My water has an expiration date, does it go bad?

Yes. Yes it does, sometimes.

In fact, in 2003 water killed an average of 9 people per day (edit: in the USA alone). I should also point out that 2/3 of these murders were committed against males, watch your backs brothers. This is the second largest killer of otherwise healthy people aged 0-14 years old (the first is parental nagging, or car accidents, take your pick).

No one is quite sure why it goes bad, I guess it sometimes just flips out and kills people for no reason at all, ask a Ninja if you don't believe me. But there are some theories. First of all, there is very little "pure water," the oceans are salty, public water is often chlorinated, well water often has a high mineral content. Distilled water is typically considered to be pure; mineral water typically has added minerals, if you can follow that logic.

So, why does it go bad? First, chlorine is negative in its ionized state. Over time this negative exposure can lead to a warped perspective on life. Even the "pure" distilled water is getting 'dis'sed. I understand tilling, farmers do it all the time, but 'dis'tilling, I just don't get it. In addition to this most water is forced to move by external forces, particularly gravity. It always flows downhill, which is great for indoor plumbing, but it gets old for the water. Imagine how life for you would be if you had so little control over your life. Among humans this typically leads to revolution.

I think that is what is slowly happening today. Water is tired of putting up with all our crap. Just think of how vulnerable we are to water. We can die by drowning, dehydration, water intoxification, ice falling off airplane wings landing on our heads, these are just the direct causes. Water also causes floods and droughts, both of which are bad for us humans.

Both creationists and evolutionists recognize the power of water. Evolution states that all life began in the primordial sea, which is in Africa near the Congo. This would lead to the conclusion that water knows our weaknesses and could take us out, just like it did the dinosaurs (I couldn't find references, but imagine how much urine a 35 ton dinosaur makes, that would piss off the water for sure). Creationists have the story of Noah, where every thing was killed except for Noah and his family and their private zoo. Although God promised never to flood the earth again, his wording clearly leaves regional flooding in the equation. How sweet would it be to flood all of (insert country/state/province here) and get rid of all them (insert group here). He could pick several continents and still be within the bounds of the agreement.

After billions of months, why isn't all the water bad. Well, water goes through what is called the perspiration cycle. It is almost just like sweating in reverse. When the surface of water gets hot, it gets dry. This water doesn't just disappear, it becomes clouds through evaporation. When clouds get cold they start to sweat and rain falls. In the clouds the water enjoys the sunlight and is placated.

Water at the bottom of the ocean only rarely evaporates, due to the statistical improbability of a single undisturbed water molecule diffusing through 2 miles of water as a result of Brownian motion with any regularity. As a result water gets pissed and crushes things. Not all things, there are fish who live there, but we humans would be crushed. The fish don't get crushed because they are miserable looking fish and misery loves company; the water likes having them around.

So, how does the water company pick the date the water goes bad? First, it is not an exact science. They have ways of determining the probability that the water will go bad based on minerals in the water, how much pressure is in the bottle, and others. Drinking water past its expiration date will most likely not kill you; but your chances of getting pneumonia do increase, or so I heard from an anomalously source. Mostly however it is just random, they pick something far enough away to make it easy to sell it all before it goes bad, and close enough so you think it must be fresh.

So remember, water has been around for billions of years, and we need to give it respect, and never turn our backs. Ever.