What causes earthquakes?

In the news lately there have been many accounts of the epidemic of obese people. Earthquakes are a result of events causing many of these people to fall at once. One classic example of this was the October 17, 1989 San Francisco earthquake. This occurred just prior to the world series as all the fatties were sitting down for the game.

After shocks are then caused by the repeated collapsing of these people as they run away, get out of breath, and fall.

Other reported causes include government conspiracies, angering the gods, and tectonic plates.